Here’s what I did yesterday. Walked into Dublin city center on a nice warm sunny day. Sat outside The Swan bar and had a couple of beers. Then I went to a nice Italian restaurant and ate delicious Italian food. Or as they call it in Italy, food.
Then I walked around a bit more. I took a picture of a very bad magpie statue and sent it to James. Then I came home and played disco music in my backyard. Array? Yes, yes I was. Nile Rodgers, you are the second best Nile I know. I think your music production skills are amazing – not least because of your work with David Bowie let’s dance – I’m sorry, a The 6,650 km long river is a bit more impressive. This is some serious nature. You may be able to create a baseline that will make people dance, but are you home to thousands of crocodiles and monitor lizards? No, you’re not, and that puts you second in my undisputed Nile rankings.
Here’s what I didn’t do yesterday: watch any football.
I love football. This is the best. But yesterday I wasn’t in the right mood for the so-called beautiful game. I also think that calling it when some people playing it look like literal monsters is a bit too much. That’s why I’m glad we have Ben White. Our commitment to physical brilliance is unparalleled.
The thing is, I didn’t need to see Man City celebrating and having fun. So I decided not to watch. I’m not a fan of cavorters at the best of times. Which does not mean that I do not like excitement and even jumping. Back then, if I was asked to be a member of House of Pain, I think I could fill the role with some zest, but do I need to see pale blues jumping around? NO.
It’s such a dirty color anyway, isn’t it? “Ooh, look at us, we’re like heaven!”
You know who else is like heaven? Coventry. And you know who supports Coventry? That’s right, Richard Keys. If I were a football club and I was associated with it, I would simply change the color of the shirt. I’d even rather play topless on a cold night than wear this.
This is the horror we are dealing with. I don’t know if this will make you feel any better, but weird Pep, manic sports wash, Richard Keys rubbing grizzly paws together, Phil Foden’s terrible haircut, Kevin de Bruyne’s rosy cheeks, I don’t think we need to witness to any of this . Let them have their senseless fun.
Of course, this week I will have to think about football. I’ll actually have to think about that today when I record Arsecast Extra with James. I’ll be honest, yesterday I was very scared. I think part of that is because I enjoyed most of the season, so when it stops being fun I feel pretty severe. Fun is much better than no fun.
Maybe it’s a bit like a video game. You make your way through it until you have to face the final boss at the very end. Even with all their powers, weapons, and all, they’re hard to beat. Sometimes they seem to cheat. You shoot them, you mash them, you do your special moves, you have them on metaphorical ropes, but halfway through they transform into something else and regain most of their life force.
It doesn’t seem fair and you very rarely win against them on your first try. You have to learn how they work and adapt your approach accordingly. Eventually, with enough practice and many failed attempts, you’ll beat them. They are defeated. Evil is gone. And that is something we must do.
They are the ultimate boss. Seemingly insurmountable. When it looked like they might be vulnerable, they took some potion (this is a metaphor, not a suggestion that Man City may have given their players real potions to help them peak at the end of the business season or whatever 😇), and stop brave Player 1. Our job is to learn their moves, power them up, avoid their special attack and, after a long, dragging battle, thwart their total shit.
End of the game. Or something. I think.
It’s easy when you say it like that. The execution is probably a bit more complicated given the whims of the human form and the fact that we can’t really use weapons, but theoretically I think that’s the way we have to go. Someone forward this blog to Mikel Arteta and Edu, and this time next year we’ll be having fun.
But not in oxy pale blue. In red. the right color. If your heart was blue, you’d be in big trouble. Not that you know much about it.
Okay, nice. The podcast will go live in the middle of the morning, around here. Look for calls to ask questions on Twitter @gunnerblog AND @arseblog on Twitter with a hashtag #arsecastra – or if you are on Member of Arseblog on Patreonleave your question in #arsecast-extra-questions channel on our Discord server.